chapter one
"001….hmph,every one of these experiments are for chaos"the unknown character took a disk with 001’s data on and walked away."that’s the last one,here,better blow this section".he said and then he headed to the end of the hall way and a small orb of energy appeared in front of him.he smirked and said "ultima" and the orb exploded unleashing ultima destroying the experiment facility around him.
"AHHH!!!!"he awoke and sat bolt upright immediatly."it’s…..that…dream again……"the mysterious character streched his angel wings and looked at the clock."5:30am,could get warmed up early" he got out of bed and picked up the blue crystal on a necklace beside his bed and put it on.he put his hand on the huge x shaped scar that covered most of his face and it was bleeding."last time I take my crystal off…..cure"the bleeding stopped and the scab changed back to scar.he showered and then dressed.he picked up his sword wthout the sheath and exited the dormitory.
(the current location is balamb garden(ff8))
some? It needs alot! Sorry if this seems mean, but it doesn’t make that much sense (to me at least) but that may be cause I can be really stupid
chapter one
"001….hmph,every one of these experiments are for chaos"the unknown character took a disk with 001’s data on and walked away."that’s the last one,here,better blow this section".he said and then he headed to the end of the hall way and a small orb of energy appeared in front of him.he smirked and said "ultima" and the orb exploded unleashing ultima destroying the experiment facility around him.
"AHHH!!!!"he awoke and sat bolt upright immediatly."it’s…..that…dream again……"the mysterious character streched his angel wings and looked at the clock."5:30am,could get warmed up early" he got out of bed and picked up the blue crystal on a necklace beside his bed and put it on.he put his hand on the huge x shaped scar that covered most of his face and it was bleeding."last time I take my crystal off…..cure"the bleeding stopped and the scab changed back to scar.he showered and then dressed.he picked up his sword wthout the sheath and exited the dormitory.
(the current location is balamb garden(ff8))
T’ould be best to say WHY it isn’t all that and a bag of chips in my opinion…
One thing that makes it…laughable? Was that fact that you decided to tell the readers where the events were takeing place AFTER the story. In my opinion its usually best to build up a nice little place for your characters to be doing whatever it is the’re doing and show it to your reads prior to letting them know whats going on.
For example:
‘So&so looked up from where s/he was sitting in the library of the Garden. S/he quietly set the book on the table, stood up and went to see what had caused the disturbance outside….’
Now, what I have in my head, a picture of a person sitting at a table in a library has been transfered, poorly, to you. I could have gone into more detail about how the library had a strange dusty smell to it, that could have been soothing to the character. I could have talked about the character itself. What the’re wearing, what they look like, blah blah blah. It’s up to the writer. I prefere to give a little detail and leave the rest up to you, so I don’t ruin your picture of the character, because even if I do give every boring detail, our not going to see what it is that I see in my mind’s eye.
Also,
the unknown character took a disk with 001’s data on and walked away
To me, that seems a bit cheesy…If you don’t want us reader to know who the character is, maybe its a suprise for latter? Just give us a reason so that we can’t see him/her well.
"So&so was standing in a dark room smiling to him/herself. They had come and accomplished their goal without to much trouble, it seemed as though all was going according to plan. The man/woman in the dark room took a disk out of the (machine?) It had a lable pasted to the top of it, "001’s data", and put it in their pocket.
"Thats the last one" So&so smiled(gleefuly)(menicngly)(in a way that would make a pug shudder)(like a child that had just won the ice cream mans supply) and walked out of the (building)…"
Anything. Just give us a little detail. Don’t leave us hanging, especialy in the very beggining. Thats boring. And we automaticaly don’t like it. Treat your readers with respect!
Im lost now…I don’t know what else to tell you.
"hope it will help a little" Said zook with a twinkle in his brown, gnomish eyes.
He nodded to himself that what he’d said was enough at the moment, and then hit the ‘Submit reply’ botton.
Now, to see what was happening in the ‘General’ section.
i liked your story better, zook
The original story seemed rather junior highish.
:-/
Nice attempt, but you need to elaborate more. It would also be nice if your sentences actually sounded like they made sence being next to eachother.
Keep writing!
^.^
Think about the narrorator before you touch then keys, or put the pen on the paper.
You could talk directly to your reader, and let the reader know that they are an invisable presence standing at the scene and looking around.
"Lets look and see now, before us, a man, with purple hair. He is standing in front of a computer and cakkleing maddly as he removes a disk. Don’t worry, even this maniac can’t hurt us. We see his eyes pass over us, but register nothing…"
Or
"I went down into the labaratory that night…so many years ago to take the disk…"
Or
"One fine evening in June. A nutter with purple hair went and…"
Or
"Watching from the security cammaras in a state of shock sat a fat and balding guard…"
Or
"blahblahblahblahblah"
Whatever. Mayhaps this dreaming fellow would like to tell the story? Maybe he is the invisable precance?
Try different things! See what works for you. If you want to be a good writer, do 2 things.
1)Read alot! And with mind as to what the writer is doing as s/he writes. Think about it consciously!
2)Duh. Write alot!
😀
I might post more later…I don’t know if I’m helping or being an arrogant prick…I’ll stop after the slander sets in 😛
Notepad has save too! …there arn’t any spaces between the quotation marks and the next word.. stylish!!1
Also, zook01 has a point, you pretty much need to be an obssessive reader to write right and you do need a certain love of writing. Like you couldn’t live without it or something. I dunno how to explain… but it is something like that. Practise and be prepared for alotta burners, especially on this site, is all the advise I’ve got to give.
edited: sorry, I already replied to this a while ago… told you I was stupid
It’s also important to write the beginning in a way which is easy for the reader to understand. From reading the beginning (no offense meant here by the way) i couldn’t understand what the character was trying to achieve or why or what the overall plot was. I think though if a little of what the character was thinking in his mind in relation to what he was trying to do had been shown in that story then it would have worked better as it would have made more sense =)
#2: Why hasn’t it been locked yet?
#3: Why are people commenting on this? Obviously it sucks and obviously to "fix" it, you need to trash it and never speak of it again. There is no constructive criticism for this Giga. Trash it and this thread lmao.