A rhyme I wrote dedicated to all the backstabbers and so called "friends"

Friends

I was walking down the street, Adidas on my feet
This kid started sweating and it wasn’t from the heat
Started getting real loud, attracting a crowd
His boys were all around so I guess it made him proud
He kept advancing, and his friends did the same
I told the kid that I didn’t even know his name
But this kid, kept saying what I did
And he was real thick just finished his bid
He had about 15 of his sons on his side
I only had one friend and that was my pride
I figured if I hit this kid in the face for talking
They’d break both my legs and I wouldn’t be walking
I’m contemplating this is the situation I’m hating
Pretty soon my face and the ground will be relating
Just then, I looked around them and saw 20 men
Heading my direction surrounding
Hell yeah, my whole teams coming for me
And my team will blow their team out of the category
Since I saw all my friends approaching the place
I, spit on the b*tch and punched him in the face
Then his whole crew, beat me black and blue
My face had contact with everybody’s shoe
All my friends stood around watching it happen
Nobody even made a slight effort of attacking
I could not believe it, I thought I had friends
It turns out they were really cowards in the end

I thought you had my back
When I’m under attack
Didn’t happen like that
Where’s my real friends at
They all turned out to be soft in the end
I guess I was betrayed
"I thought you were my friend"

I was f*cking with this girl, and everybody knew it
My D*ck she always blew it get it get it go to it
And that’s what I did, and that’s how it went down
Little did I know that on the other side of town
She was dating this guy, by the name of Big Tie
Rumor has it that the man stood 10 feet high
One day, she called and said come play
So I brought 10 friends and try to help them get laid
We went to her apartment and everything was all right
She started stripping for us not a problem in sight
But just then, Big Tie bust in
His girl was blushing, and I was flushed then
Tie had about 5 men with him
Since I had all 10 let the battle begin
Before a fight broke out, my friends broke out
They said "All right man, we’ll catch you later kid no doubt"
They ignored my friends and jumped all on me
I was out for the count and really bloody
They were very hostile, I woke up in the hospital
I was told every bone in my body was broke a little
All my friends that ran, as fast as they could
Just like little b*tches and it wasn’t understood
They came in the room saying get well good luck
I told them get out of here, and shut the fuck up
I could not believe it, I thought I had friends
It turns out that they were really cowards in the end

Once upon a time on a very nice day
I was playing ball on the court around the way
We got them and started everything was going great
I had 7 friends and this kid had 8
This one kid kept on fouling my man
I said please don’t do that sh*t, understand
Then he said all right and laid back low
Next thing you know my man caught an elbow
I said "Damn son should have listened to the prophet"
He said "I’m gonna do it again, you gonna stop it"
I looked at my team, then back on him
I figured now’s about the time to let the beating begin
I waited for a second, nobody made a move
I’m thinking if a fight breaks out what will it prove?
Before I had time to let the beef cook
Out of no where I caught a left and a right hook
I was still standing, started throwing fist back
Lots of blood flying and lots of contact
I let go, only had 2 fists to throw
Suddenly 16 fists coming, "Oh no"
I looked at my friends as I started to fall
All I heard was, "Lets go grab the ball"
I woke up later stuck to the concrete
The blood was all dry, guess I met my defeat
I could not believe it, I thought I had friends
Turns out they all cowards in the end

Lol
I like it!
I love the constant rhyming stanza’s too.
Nice Job.

Utter garbage. It sounds like some kind of "gangsta" rap bullshit.

Oh well…
We all have different tastes
I rather enjoyed your poem.
Don’t let certain comments get you down.
You’re efforts are apreciated. 😀

Those "certain" comments are what helps a person improve their writing. If everyone could simply post garbage and get good feedback, then those people would be in for a harsh awakening when they finally discovered that they suck.

His "poem," if you can call it that, was an atrocity in pretty much every sense and deserves to be recognized as such.

Oh, no i wasn’t being offensive.
I understand completely your comments
Critism helps people improve.
i was just trying to lighten the mood thats all.
D idn’t mean to offend you. 😀

I don’t get offended by things like that. I was merely pointing out that it was stupid for you to suggest that my comment should be disregarded when it is clearly more useful than yours was.

Yes of course…
How typically slow of me.
Well then i’m happy that i didn’t offend you.
BTW
I wasn’t implying that your comments should get disregarded.

As i said i was just trying to lighten the mood of your comment
Outright calling it "Garbage" might hurt more than it helps.

It don’t matter if you think it’s "garbage" or not you may think it is "Gangsta" shit but I don’t. Once you live a day in my life you will know why I write shit like this and call it a poem. All that stuff that I wrote about was real it really happened to me.Growing up in Los Angeles I got into alot of fights and thought I had friends that would back me up. When the fight happened they either stood there laughing,left,or made up some stupid ass excuse to leave so they wouldn’t get in trouble or get hurt. NOne of them cared about me and I kept on getting into fights but then I wised up and quit doin shit to piss people off. So before you call something "garbage" take a second to think on it and think to yourself "what if it were me" ya know? But I do appreciate your opinion and your honesty I mean like you and Ivy were saying it’s a real bitch when you think you’re good at something but you’re really not and people sugarcoat it with compliments and then after you leave say "damn that guy sucks" but it makes you feel good cause you didn’t hear it so you really think they liked it until you finally hear the truth and go Damn I do suck and all that shit and you either give up like a little bitch or you take the good way and try to make yourself better. Thanks for pointing out that it sounded like some rap shit but I like to make my poems rhyme it’s just how I am and I’ll try to make the next one sound normal instead of "gangsta"

There’s one very important thing to remember about poetry. There’s two types of it (yeah, I know there’s lots of other types, but no others that apply here): poetry written for others to read and poetry written for no one other than the writer.

A poem falls under the latter category when the writer puts personal feelings into words that will likely have no meaning at all to most readers. Because of that, it is utterly pointless. This is where yours would be classified.

A poem that is written for others to read will generally be made to evoke emotion in readers instead of detailing your own feelings.

Utter garbage. It sounds like some kind of "gangsta" rap bullshit.

It doesn’t sound like gangsta rap, but I wouldn’t call it garbage. That is what rap is "supposed" to be about life stories, some rappers these days have gotten side-traced from that. All-in-all it was good, but you might not want to tell everyone how many times you were beaten up.

Ok, yeah Prak now I see where you’re comin from and Lionheart it is the truth and it don’t bother me cause I won like twice as many fights than I lost so it really don’t bobther me lol

BRAVO! ENCORE!

Thanks Machiavelli

THis honestly does nothing for me. The rhymes are quite juvenile, there’s nothing special, nor does anything come out at me. There’s no reason anybody would really find anything great with this, or even want to read it, as my attention was gone after the first three lines.

If you want to be a poet, at least try to make it poetic. Just because you can find exact, and juvenile rhymes, doesn’t make it a poem of any kind. And don’t give me the stupid argument of "well, i don’t care if you like it, it’s my work, and i like it blah blah blah".

Try to make it flow, try to make it thought provoking, try to give us a way into your thoughts, as I’d suspect is your intention. Just writing a bunch of lines with a shitload of swearing, and rhyming hte last word doesn’t make this a poem, and especially not a good poem. To be honest, and to conclude, I felt absolutely nothing reading this. I felt none of your pain, all I saw was a rant, and juvenile language.

Watch out,
Retard
Atempting
Poetry

That’s not rap, if you listened to rap you would know that. The only true idiots are those who mock what they don’t understand, you my sir, are an idiot.

Saying that poem out loud in any other way than rapping it would be idiotic. And please, inform me of what i don’t understand about rap, and remember say it wit’ soul bro’.

Lol @ your typical stereotypical preception of a typical ‘black man’. Saying a poem out loud doesn’t make it rap neither does background music, poetry clubs will have someone playing background music. Rap is a series of repetiotions of: beats and sometimes lines, if that were to be rap it would have to follow a certian rythmn and series of beats, (mostly in 3/4 or ‘common’ time).

Haha, black men are black men, so don’t give me that shit. Also, aren’t you stereotyping black people aswell? I have more against white wanna-be rappers. Black people tend to have more soul. I wasn’t talking about just the rhyme, the use of language is typicly rap. That peice of poetry has it’s own rythm, but because the rythm is pretty much the same the whole way though it leaves much to be desired 🙂

Haha, black men are black men, so don’t give me that shit. Also, aren’t you stereotyping black people aswell?One not really not all black people go "yo,yo, yo homie what’s crackin’ in da hood" which in turn shows your stereotypicality, Basically that’s like me saying all white people listen to heavy metal, dress in black, cut their wrists, *girls* have no asses, *guys* have little peens. As far as me stereotyping black people, I’m black and I know what you would expect "nah nah dawg dat shit wasn’t rap B that was some faggy ass poetry" so their goes your ‘soul’.
I have more against white wanna-be rappers. I generally don’t, you don’t have to be black to enjoy a type of music it’s when they manipulate the black culture and twists it that makes me mad.
Black people tend to have more soulStereotyping again once again I know a fair amount of white people with more ‘flow’ than some African-Americans but because of close-mindedness they are ‘rejected’ by white and black society.
I wasn’t talking about just the rhyme, the use of language is typicly rapSlang has been in poetry for a comfortabilty and relatability, all poems like these will mostly be fund in urban areas or ‘da hood’.
That peice of poetry has it’s own rythm, but because the rythm is pretty much the same the whole way though it leaves much to be desired
it is much the same but it is mandatory the rythmn stay the same throughout the song, unless you make a beat transition (put a new beat, to the same track) But I will agree it did leave much to be expected.

Firstly Lol, this is so true

One not really not all black people go "yo,yo, yo homie what’s crackin’ in da hood" which in turn shows your stereotypicality, Basically that’s like me saying all white people listen to heavy metal, dress in black, cut their wrists, *girls* have no asses, *guys* have little peens.

I’m part African american also and I know alot of black people and they are all rather well educated and they speak in proper english. Some of them choose to speak in "ebonics" and slang because they can or because they were raised speaking as such and don’t know any different, but to say that "all" or "most" or even slightly hint that african americans talk like that is fairly rude, I know some Caucasian people who speak like that too.
Rap isn’t all about the "yo, Yo,Yo’s" (although alot of music videos you see people trying to be "ghetto") Some raps are about life experiences and situations and those tend to be the better raps. (like the original poem posted in this thread) Take Eminem for example, all he does is "rap" about his girl and his mother, occasionally he will throw in a wierd funny song but that is just to stay fresh.

Saying that poem out loud in any other way than rapping it would be idiotic. And please, inform me of what i don’t understand about rap, and remember say it wit’ soul bro’.

Now I don’t know about the rest of the thread but even i was offended when you posted Retard Attemping Poetry(or something like that), because essentially that is what his words are… poetry. No matter if he raps it or sings it, it is still poetry in the making and i rather liked it.

And plus Lateralus you just sound as if you want to argue… not as if your trying to express a point and you know you could always argue in a PM or something, right now you just sound like Prak when he called it "Gangsta Rap Bullshit"

Lol anyway this thread was originally about criticing the poem and it has gone far from it. Do we at least want to try and get it back on track? I know it’s abit hypocrital coming from me, but i would like other shriners to read the poem and give it feedback

Then why didn’t you take it up with Prak? 🙂

Irvybabe: I can agree to a point. But I learned a lot going thru poetry classes and writing classes, and you should always strive to make your work the best that it can be. In a blunt sense, all we’re saying is that the thread-creator here isn’t quite up to par yet.