Poetry Of A Broken Heart.

I’m new to this forum but I would a preciate it if you gave me constructive critism and not just some bullshit. If it sucks i can take it but please state why, I would like to improve.

Sorry for future double post.
And if your going to read the poem could you comment on it.

Internet Love

Solemn and Broken Hearted,
With absolutely nothing alright,
You were the first to smile at me,
When I joined this site.

Then you sent a message,
wanting to know about me.
We quickly became friends,
I was already blinded by you, you see

I think you said it first
three words "I love You"
Blinded by emotions,
it was then that I fell too.

We made love under the Sakura,
by the moonlight in the spring.
We were both unexperienced lover,
But by then, to you I needed to cling.

You promised me a lifetime,
together, forever spent.
But I realized too late,
it wasn’t something you meant.

And now fourteen days later,
we’re split and broken apart.
So now i’ve resumed my old game,
picking up the pieces of my heart.

Internet love isn’t tangible,
but it can be more powerful than the real thing.
A warning to future lovers,
Don’t waste your heart on someone you can’t see.

Very nice i enjoyed it alot!

I have written a few like that. Here is one:

My soul is empty
My spirit is lost
My life has nobody
In it who can cost
The world to me and that’s who i need
To be by my side when i feel deceived
And I can be there too
Whenever they are hurt

I want to spend my life with someone
So when I’m feeling sad
She can make me feel at home again
And tell me I’m not bad
But I feel this time will never come
But i will keep on trying
For i wish for a partner
who’ll be there when i am crying

I’m lost without a person
To love forever
And I wish i could feel what others do
Because then I would never
Have to think about this loss of soul
That’s inside my human river of
Love and care in my spirit alone
Nothing else, nothing more
Everything else,greed and hatred and evil,were gone before
I was born

I live to love
And nothing else
Can’t I have one day
Where this feeling doesn’t fill me with sadness
I want to love, but
Love is a shadow to me,
as I am to it.

Hmmm.
To our new Sakura, your poem could’ve used some work. But your punctuation was very good (unlike that hack BizarroSephiroth).

Still, it could use a bit more flare in it. Instead of following a steady emotion with it, build it up and make it have an impact that’ll have people wanting more. Never end a poem of that length at an ending, leave them hanging on a certain feeling.

Now, Bizarro, please tell me why you’re still here? Haven’t we suffered enough of your babble to last the next 10 years? Any more of your jabbering will lead to canabalisim of the ears and eyes. I do believe the Vogon poetry was more appealing.

Hmmm.
To our new Sakura, your poem could’ve used some work. But your punctuation was very good (unlike that hack BizarroSephiroth).

Still, it could use a bit more flare in it. Instead of following a steady emotion with it, build it up and make it have an impact that’ll have people wanting more. Never end a poem of that length at an ending, leave them hanging on a certain feeling.

Now, Bizarro, please tell me why you’re still here? Haven’t we suffered enough of your babble to last the next 10 years? Any more of your jabbering will lead to canabalisim of the ears and eyes. I do believe the Vogon poetry was more appealing.

wtf are you talkin about? Why do you care? I just posted it because i felt like it. Okay! Why the hell do you care. If you don’t like it, dont go blabbing on about you hating it. Just shut you fucking mouth!

wtf are you talkin about? Why do you care? I just posted it because i felt like it. Okay! Why the hell do you care. If you don’t like it, dont go blabbing on about you hating it. Just shut you fucking mouth!

Allow me to fix your terrible punctuation, add a bit of truth, and edit the language.

"What are you talking about? Why do you care? I only posted it because I felt like sharing my worthlessness. Okay? Why the heck do you care? If you don’t like it, don’t post about hating my god-awful poetry! Just be quiet and let me be the nOOb I was meant to be!"

lol following in your bro’s footsteps eh? :p 😉

lol following in your bro’s footsteps eh? :p 😉

lol
I do believe I’ve been an asshole for much longer than he has.

BRAVO! ENCORE!

Alright… thankyou, i will try next time!
I like your poem Bizzaro… I think it’s so sweet.

Alright… thankyou, i will try next time!
I like your poem Bizzaro… I think it’s so sweet.

Finally I’m appreciated! Yay!

Internet Love

Solemn and Broken Hearted,
With absolutely nothing alright,
You were the first to smile at me,
When I joined this site.

Then you sent a message,
wanting to know about me.
We quickly became friends,
I was already blinded by you, you see

I think you said it first
three words "I love You"
Blinded by emotions,
it was then that I fell too.

We made love under the Sakura,
by the moonlight in the spring.
We were both unexperienced lover,
But by then, to you I needed to cling.

You promised me a lifetime,
together, forever spent.
But I realized too late,
it wasn’t something you meant.

And now fourteen days later,
we’re split and broken apart.
So now i’ve resumed my old game,
picking up the pieces of my heart.

Internet love isn’t tangible,
but it can be more powerful than the real thing.
A warning to future lovers,
Don’t waste your heart on someone you can’t see.

This isn’t bad. It progresses stanza to stanza which is a good thing, however I thought a lot of your rhymes were forced, particularly in the first couple of stanzas, with lines such as "with absolutely nothing alright" (which is completely unnatural), and "I was already blinded by you, you see" (obviously adding the ‘you see’ to keep the rhyme scheme consistent). Other lines that concern me are "it was then that I fell too", which isn’t horrible, but it seems awkward to me… "But by then, to you I needed to cling", which unless Yoda was the one in love, it just doesn’t work.

In poetry, obviously there are some licenses you use with language to make it a bit more eloquent than you would with normal prose, but re-arranging sentences to force it to fit a rhyme scheme doesn’t make for good poetry, imo. When people are reading poetry, you want it to roll off the tongue naturally. I’d give this a 6/10… All-in-all it’s an ok poem, but I honestly think that this can be edited and revised into something better.

lol alright thankyou, honestly that is how i felt, i felt like shakespere for a moment as i mixed up the sentences.

The use of english in Shakespeare’s time was a little different though, so it’s hard to make anything comparable to his style and make it effective.

Yeah… i guess i understand what you mean…
Thankyou for being so helpful!

not a problem. 🙂

For Squall FF8

Though they claimed to be his friends,
they could not see his heart.
For everyday they laughed and played,
while inside he was being torn apart.

For his love never survived,
that last bloody fight.
So he went away without his friends,
into the quiet of the night.

With his gunblade in his hands,
he cried and decided to join her.
Up to the sky he held his blade,
never seeing the thunder.

As lightning struck the tip of his blade,
And down went his body and soul.
The heavens opened up to him,
appearing as a lighted hole.

Then he saw her as an angel,
his arms outstretched to his love.
And as his friends reached his body,
He closed his eyes and flew above.

So what do you think? This is poem number two.
sorry for Double post.

Very good i liked that one!

That one was better, Sakura. The only part that made me cringe a little was the ‘heart/apart’ rhyme, which has been overdone so many times it’s nearly pukeworthy. Other than that, it’s quite well written… It has a good flow, and it comes off the tongue pretty naturally.

😀
Lol, i’ll work on it.

Bizzaro and Sakura… You’re poetry sucks. I think it is a waste of thread space. Try again… :notgood:

Well if it isnt the "MAJOR’S" daughter. Tell us! How does Buffalo fare politically these days? Hmmmm.

First of all my dear… it’s Mayors daughter… and i have a right to say that this poetry sucks. Buffalo is doing quite well thankyou.

I’m new to this forum but I would a preciate it if you gave me constructive critism and not just some bullshit. If it sucks i can take it but please state why, I would like to improve.

Sorry for future double post.
And if your going to read the poem could you comment on it.

I think thats pure bullshit nicollete, that does not constitute constructive critisism, so fuck away off, please

I have decided that we should hold a poetry contest! Those on the shrine with university education in English could be the judges.

COME ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT 2!

Or we could all just post in a thread and vote on a WINNER!

As Paldain pointed out I would like constructive critism so that i can get better, not rude ignorance. Tell me what i can do to improve Nicollette or just keep your comments to yourself.

Sweetheart, it’s simple you suck. So GTFO, You can’t improve. and BP STFU
thios is constructive critism.

It sucks and she cant improve eh? Well I believe there was a time when you couldn’t walk. Just as you learn to walk, sakura can improve as well. FTR I could bet you know shit about poetry, buffalo girl

You are a first class bitch. I ask for your help and understanding and you give me this bullshit, all I want is to improve and i realize now that you can’t help me so Shut The Fuck Up and don’t post again on MY Thread. I don’t need your shit, You Identity Confused Asshole.

Oh… so the little innocent has claws… Hmm someone is a bit phony. Sakura darling i am a bitch try harder to insult me please. I can post anywhere i like.
And Paladin heres your poetry.

Roses Are Red
Violets are Blue
You Can go Fuck off
And Then Sakura You can too!

BRAVO!
ENCORE!

Oh… so the little innocent has claws… Hmm someone is a bit phony. Sakura darling i am a bitch try harder to insult me please. I can post anywhere i like.
And Paladin heres your poetry.

Roses Are Red
Violets are Blue
You Can go Fuck off
And Then Sakura You can too!

thanks for proving my point, you know shit about poetry, but carry on, I never tire when i’m ripping folk new holes.

Say what you want darling, truth is you’ve got nothing on me and in the end her poetry still sucks. So tell me Paladin why are you defending this little cunt so much… i’m interested. Machiavelli Shut the HELL UP, i don’t need youre praise.

Ah the threads complementry angsty Emo-kid, LOL @ you darling, I can see you won’t move far.

Sweetheart, it’s simple you suck. So GTFO, You can’t improve. and BP STFU
thios is constructive critism.

You see, that doesn’t make sense. She wants a reply like," Well, I didn’t like it, but you could improve it by…………" Not some bullshit comment that you made.

Literature is to entertain people, or yourself, as long as she liked it, thats good. But she wants to make it better. So you back the fuck off and go away.

Btw, you said the same about me, and i take pride in my writing, whether people like it or not. But i would dtill like it improved if the people don’t like it, so Nicollette, i have one thing to say to you:

GO THE FUCK AWAY!

Another good poem.=)

Your first poem needed a little help on your segways (linking one subject/stanza to anther), nothing major. Second one nice, written fairly well which is good I’m not a fan of game based poetry.

Nicolette, you can’t insult anybody worth a damn. Stop trying, you fail. And worse, you’re doing it to be cool. You just look like a bitch trying to be cool. Why not try and be constructive, and not an idiot. Try and insult me. Let me guess, you’ll swear a lot, and think that you’re being creative, right?

I came to this site for guidence,
so that everyone could help me out.
But just a few comments from you,
left my poetic confidence in doubt.

I asked you for constructive critism,
but I asked you to be blunt.
All you posted was unhelpful bullshit,
so now I know your a cunt.

How dare you post in my thread,
trying to ruin and offend me.
Quote on Quote " I’m a bitch",
well duh… obviously.

Nicollette you are worthless,
you’re a useless piece of shit.
You get your kicks on being rude,
that is why your a misfit.

Evertime you post something,
you get me so bloody mad.
Especially that little charade,
that Byron Brown is your dad.

So your father is the mayor of Buffalo,
Sorry, but he only has one son.
I thought maybe you were delusional,
But you’re just fucking dum.

And so in conclusion Nicollette,
you are an asshole and all you do is lie.
So do me a favor
… Go Fuck off
and don’t even bother to reply.

You want to be a bitch do it in someone elses thread. This is my thread and all i want are people that have constructive opinions.

Roses Are Red
Violets are Blue
You Can go Fuck off
And Then Sakura You can too!

Hahahaha Lol

I came to this site for guidence,
so that everyone could help me out.
But just a few comments from you,
left my poetic confidence in doubt.

I asked you for constructive critism,
but I asked you to be blunt.
All you posted was unhelpful bullshit,
so now I know your a cunt.

How dare you post in my thread,
trying to ruin and offend me.
Quote on Quote " I’m a bitch",
well duh… obviously.

Nicollette you are worthless,
you’re a useless piece of shit.
You get your kicks on being rude,
that is why your a misfit.

Evertime you post something,
you get me so bloody mad.
Especially that little charade,
that Byron Brown is your dad.

So your father is the mayor of Buffalo,
Sorry, but he only has one son.
I thought maybe you were delusional,
But you’re just fucking dum.

And so in conclusion Nicollette,
you are an asshole and all you do is lie.
So do me a favor
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicollette
… Go Fuck off

and don’t even bother to reply.

Hahahaha Lol

I Am So Desperate For Interesting Threads I Started Trolling This Forum…. And I HAve to Say On Both Counts Screw The Rules Of Poetry This Is Top Class Flaming With Style… Bravo To You Both And let This Shit Fight And My Amusement Continue Til Something Interesting Happens In GD

THIS THREAD DELIVERS :smrt:

So not the point Machiavelli. 🙁

You’ve got a way with words even when your mad, nice very nice. :love:

Sakura wins!

Fuck all of you. Sakura that poem was even worse than the first two, personal attacks… psssht. it was corny at best. So fuck you too. Paladin Bizzaro go screw eachother and then you can fuck Sakura too.

If I recall correctly, it was YOU who started the personal attacks
Y/N

PS fuck Sakura? If she consents I may just do that

Not if I get there first.

I was joking as I am otherwise tied, but, er do as you will.
or something

… Wowo.

*blushes*

HAHA… I was Right they do both want to Fuck her…

Nice to see you can read.

Or not as the case seems to be.

HAHA… I was Right they do both want to Fuck her…

What the Hell did i tell you about my thread. STAY THE FUCK OFF IT! you are destroying the original intent of it completely, you bloody cuntwipe.

You are such a twat, Nicollette.

PS @ Sakura your even sexy when your mad freakin sweet.

What the Hell did i tell you about my thread. STAY THE FUCK OFF IT! you are destroying the original intent of it completely, you bloody cuntwipe.

Bloody Cuntwipe

New favorite word people

You are such a twat, Nicollette.

PS @ Sakura your even sexy when your mad freakin sweet.

Why thankyou… :swoon:

Whore… you obviosly want their attentions.

Here Nicollette have a poem:

Nicollette!!!:

One day i saw a new member
So i sent her a PM
Her username was Nicollette
I didn’t know she’d become one of "them"

I tried to be nice to her
She even said hi back
And thank you
But now she’s just related
To a donkey’s buttcrack

And then came along a member
Who had a poetic talent
So she showed people she could
But Nicollette flamed her
And then of course, she would
Flame her right back

I came along, trying to show i could too
But she just gave me backsass
I said
Why don’t you go home
And ram a dildo in your ass

We ask for constructive criticism
Is that really much
Obviously it must be
Because to her it is such

Nicollette i thought you were nice
But now you are an evil bitch, i say
Go to bar and go hang with your friends
Because maybe they are gay
LIKE YOU!

Oh Burned bitch. what have you got to say to that. *high fives Bizzaro* oh yeah i love the poem.

And who the Hell are you to call me a whore, you don’t know shit about me.

Fuck you, once again that poem sucked bizzaro. Try again, maybe you should learn from your girlfriend here, though she isn’t much better than you. and dear you are a whore… three men in one thread… Paladin, Lionheart, and Bizzaro all fucking you… hmmm where is your virginal innocence now.

Haha, you’re banned. 😛

xD

Aw, man, I should read Original Fiction and Poetry threads more often.

Haha, you’re banned. 😛

Haha.

Fuck you, once again that poem sucked bizzaro. Try again, maybe you should learn from your girlfriend here, though she isn’t much better than you. and dear you are a whore… three men in one thread… Paladin, Lionheart, and Bizzaro all fucking you… hmmm where is your virginal innocence now.

Tell me exactly, how you lose your virginity over the internet?
P.S. Masturbating to people who you would never meet, doing things you could never meet doesn’t count.

You can’t lose your virginity over the net, she is just extremely stupid, but hey she’s banned. LOL there is justice.

I wrote this when I was sad so it will be the worst one yet. Sorry for the heart/apart thing Krelian

I Hope You’re Alright

I met you and we spoke,
but there was something about you.
You felt you were worthless
and that is how I felt too.

I don’t know when it was,
that i began to care.
Because i have my own problems,
and my life is so unfair.

Then you made me angry,
when you attempted suicide.
I don’t know why but,
I would have been sad if you died.

And so as I lie here,
thinking things through.
I decided to write this poem,
as I cry for you.

For us life is all wrong,
the best things are stripped away.
Family problems, our lovers leave us,
and nothing seems to be okay.

It’s stupid i know but,
I hold you close to my heart.
And if you really hurt yourself,
you are going to tear me apart.

And so as i lie in bed,
dreaming of you tonight.
I hope that you understand this,
and I hope that your alright.

I wrote this when I was sad so it will be the worst one yet. Sorry for the heart/apart thing Krelian

I Hope You’re Alright

I met you and we spoke,
but there was something about you.
You felt you were worthless
and that is how I felt too.

I don’t know when it was,
that i began to care.
Because i have my own problems,
and my life is so unfair.

Then you made me angry,
when you attempted suicide.
I don’t know why but,
I would have been sad if you died.

And so as I lie here,
thinking things through.
I decided to write this poem,
as I cry for you.

For us life is all wrong,
the best things are stripped away.
Family problems, our lovers leave us,
and nothing seems to be okay.

It’s stupid i know but,
I hold you close to my heart.
And if you really hurt yourself,
you are going to tear me apart.

And so as i lie in bed,
dreaming of you tonight.
I hope that you understand this,
and I hope that your alright.

That was very nice, I enjoyed reading this because it’s usually under states of emotion where you get your feelings off your chest, and it comes out good.

I liked your first stanza. Very good work 🙂

Guess who’ s back!

You know sakura maybe you should just quit writing.

And so as i lie in bed,
dreaming of you tonight.
I hope that you understand this,
and I hope that your alright.

No No No…. You obviously are talking about some fucked up guy that is having major problems… Shut the fuck up, i don’t want to hear about you and your problems with some guy you clearly want but he’s ignoring you.

Bizzaro stop lying to her, this poem sucks…

*scratches ear*

Woof. ^-_-^

Personally I like the poems.

Haha, Nicollete sucks

One day i saw a new member
So i sent her a PM
Her username was Nicollette
I didn’t know she’d become one of "them"

I tried to be nice to her
She even said hi back
And thank you
But now she’s just related
To a donkey’s buttcrack

And then came along a member
Who had a poetic talent
So she showed people she could
But Nicollette flamed her
And then of course, she would
Flame her right back

I came along, trying to show i could too
But she just gave me backsass
I said
Why don’t you go home
And ram a dildo in your ass

We ask for constructive criticism
Is that really much
Obviously it must be
Because to her it is such

Nicollette i thought you were nice
But now you are an evil bitch, i say
Go to bar and go hang with your friends
Because maybe they are gay
LIKE YOU!

Hahaha This thread gets better And Better

xD

Aw, man, I should read Original Fiction and Poetry threads more often.

I Second That

Also Sakura Whether You Have Talent Or Not Im Not one to Judge being As How I Dont Know Poetry But… You Sure Know How To Flame… (Btw Even if It Is Incorrect Against The Laws Of Poetry Or Sappy… i like your Work)

Nicolette: Youre A Conceited Spiteful Bitch… Most People Would Have Let this Go By Now… But Youre A glutton For Punishment And Keep This Almighty Shit Fight Going… I Personally Think its great To See Some Action In An Otherwise Boring Forum (Sorry Guys Poetry Just aint My Thing) But I Personally Think You Should Either Dose Yourself Up On Crack And Have A Nice Attitude Or Dose Yourself Up On Draino And Die… Your Choice

so are nicollette and sakura the same person

I’ve missed Alot…
But god you write beautiful poetry Sakura.
I love your first poem Internet Love… and then i love I hope you’re alright!
They are beautiful words…

so are nicollette and sakura the same person